May 24, 2013

TRINI AND THE SHEETCAKE



I had gone for my morning walk, and when I returned to my house, my answering machine light was blinking. I walked over to look at my caller I.D. and saw that it was Trini. I pressed the playback button.

"Vallie, what do it mean when day say it t’aint over till da fat lady sings? Girl, do day know that Trini is fat? Call me immediately."

Well, after my initial laughter meltdown, I decided to give Trini a call.

"Yo, woman, what do you want now from Vallie”

Trini belts out a roaring laugh. Her voice is muffled. "Girl, you got me good. Do you have x-ray vision?"

X-ray vision? What is she talking about?


"Ah, yeah. You didn't know? I saw you. You can't fool me."

Trini starts howling. "Wooooweee, Vallie, you a voodoo woman. Lord help us."

By this time, I'm scratching my head because I can't fathom what's really going on. It was obvious that she thought that I knew what she was doing.


   "Trini," I finally spit out, "what did I catch you doing that you're not supposed to be doing? Are you cheating on your diet?"

Trini laughs loudly and smacks her kitchen counter. "Oh Vallie, you know me bettah. I don't cheat."

Yeah, right.

By this point, I'm thinking that I should sneak up on her to see if she's lying to me. She only lives around the corner, two blocks down. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll keep her talking, while I sneak up on her.
I grab my coat, and while she's talking, I put it on. I walk over and grab my keys and gloves. Trini is still talking.

"So Trini didn't know what it meant, Vallie. I had to call you," she's explaining.

I have no idea what she's talking about because I wasn't listening to her. I had to think fast.

"Trin, start over. Explain to me exactly what you're talking about."

“Well, Vallie,” she begins again, “I don't understand da meaning when day say dat ting about da fat lady."
"Continue," I say.


Well, I didn't waste any time. I gently laid the phone on my kitchen counter and sprinted to her house. I was there in about a minute and a half. I opened her backyard gate and snuck up to her kitchen door. There she was, still talking, breaking off pieces of a sheet cake and popping them into her mouth.

Then I hear, "Vallie, where da hell are you? Vallie girl, did you hang up?"

I take in a deep breath and then bang on her window. She swings around, looking like a deer caught in a car's headlights, and flashes a mouth full of cake.

"I knew it," I yell through the window. "I see you, you cheating Island woman, you."

She opens the door, and while still trying to swallow what’s in her mouth, belts out the biggest roar of laughter that I have ever heard.

"But, but, Vallie," she tries to say.

"Don't you but Vallie me. I knew you were cheating on your diet. Look at you!"

Trini is laughing so hard that I thought she was going to choke. She is bent over and clutching her chest.
I walk over to the cake and look down at it. Hmmmmmm, this cake looks absolutely scrumptious. I turn around to Trini.

"So you want to know about the fat lady, do you?"

Trini is pounding her fists against the counter, she can barely breathe.

"Vallie," she says gasping for air.

I roll my eyes.

"Vallie, listen to me," she says.


I fold my arms and turn my head to look at the wall. "Yes," I say dramatically.

She swallows what's in her mouth. "Girl, you are someting else. Only you would sneak up on me like dis."

"Is that all you have to say to me?"


She stares at me in bewilderment and then shrugs. "Um, do you want some cake?"


So there we were. Two chicks stuffing chocolate sheet cake into our mouths. After several minutes of sinful gorging, Trini turns to me.

"Vallie, you never answered my question."

I cast a side glance. "Which one? You're a plethora of questions and merriment."

She pulls her head back and squints. "What? Geeze, you artistic types are so strange."


I laugh. "Yeah, I'm strange. Cut me another sliver and be quiet."

She cuts me a sliver. "Vallie?" she says.

I’m licking the frosting off my fork after shoving the entire sliver in my mouth. "Yeah, Trini?" I attempt to say.

"Are we dem fat ladies dat they be talkin' about?"

I look down at the empty pan and then run my finger through my empty plate to get any residual frosting.

"Yeah, Trin. We are. We're definitely dem fat ladies dat day be talkin' about."

She slowly nods.

"I knew it," she says.