September 14, 2008

You've Used Me and Now I'm Done With You

What was I thinking? Perhaps I wasn't thinking. Perhaps I thought too much or too highly of myself. I believed that everything I was doing was right. I thought that I was being a good friend. I thought that we had a relationship; we were more than pen and paper communicating. But I just learned that I was wrong. Once again I was wrong. Once again, it was just another lesson that I had to learn... as if I haven't learn enough. One would think that there could only be so many lessons that could be learned in one lifetime, but I just found out that it never ceases--not in this fleshly existence. Yes, what was I thinking when I thought that I meant something to you?

Maybe it's me. Maybe my good intentions and advice that you asked me for was all for my own benefit. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to be held on a pedestal in your eyes. Maybe I wanted you to sing my praises loudly for everyone to hear. Perhaps that was my underlying motive of which I was unaware at the time.

Oh ego, look what you've done. You made me a diluted fool. You made me a seeker of gratification to which there is no end. I applaude your divine intelligence, but now I have to laugh. I see through you. I understand how you operate. You can't get over on me because I'm genius in my own right. Your pathetic attempt to seek out glory and worth has now been recognized; therefore you can no longer win. You've been had just like me.

I've figured you out, just as I have figured out that I'm not important to anyone but myself. It may be all about me in my world, but it's all about them in their world's, as well.

Go ahead and laugh. You led me to think that I mattered to them. You conjured up the illusion of greatness, yet I was the only one who observed this powerless trick. I hang my head in shame. Where's my cross?

Oh ego, why? You've tricked me into thinking that they cared. So, it was all about me? Was it all about how I wanted to be something wonderful in their eyes? Never mind. I have stumbled upon this brilliant revelation as I write this; one of many revelations that I have had the pleasure of knowing and learning from. This is just another.

Ego, you're still laughing. I get it. I understand the mind better than most. It took another blow to open my eyes, but at least they are now open. I knocked on the door and you answered. You let me in and made me feel at home. You were quite the host. You've served me my whine with love and tender nurturing, all in the pretenses of fueling yourself. I understand completely.

Ego, did you say something? Did I just hear you whisper that they only care about themselves? Did you just snicker that they've used me and betrayed me? Or are you telling me this because you feel bruised?

It's a good thing I have you, ego. That's all I have to say.

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