October 26, 2010

when is 'enough is enough'?

Your heart’s been broken more times than you can count. . . by the same person. They’ve lied to you, cheated on you, not been there when you needed them, and yet, you’re still with them. You know you should have left a long time ago but something deep-down, something that you don’t understand keeps you where you are. Is it the fear of being alone? Is it the fear of never finding love again? What keeps you rooted in a relationship that’s dead—one sided—going nowhere? When is ‘enough is enough’?

Enough is enough came for me a few times in my life, but if I had to pinpoint the most significant time it was when I left my husband. Back then, I was a young girl, na├»ve to the world and short on cash. My husband was a classic case of momma’s boy gone wild. He went out with his friends, partied like a frat-bro, and the best part; he hardly worked. Yet I stayed with him for ten years, always threatening him with divorce—always trying to scare him into caring. It didn’t work. He came and went as he pleased, ignoring all my threats and scoffing at my ultimatums. Nothing mattered.
While it was happening, I comforted myself with the belief that when I got that raise, I’d go. I told myself that when I’d find someone else, I’d leave. Yet, ten years later, I was still there. So what pushed me over the edge to finally saying, I had enough?

After ten years of being in a one-sided, loveless marriage, my day in court came, literally. He was in the middle of a big lawsuit; one where he was awarded a large sum of money. I’ll never forget that day. As we walked into our apartment across from Kings Plaza, in Brooklyn, we plopped ourselves down at the kitchen table and just stared at each other. Two people with nothing in common, were both wondering what’s next. And then it happened. He said the most frightening words that I had ever heard. He said, I think it’s time for you to get pregnant.
Ten years of living with a selfish, non-caring, party animal had taught me one thing: babies will never be a part of our marital equation. And it was my mantra. There wasn’t any way that I was going to have a baby; especially with a person who had hurt me the way he had hurt me. There was no way that I was going to be bogged down with a kid. He had pushed me over the edge. Yes, enough was enough. I was out the door.

Sometimes, it can be just a few words that will finally push you over the edge; that will make you jump off your chair and say adios amigo. Sometimes, it happens when you’ve hit rock bottom; when you’re finally able to admit that his infidelities are too much to bear; that his selfishness can no longer be tolerated; that you’re better off being by yourself because being with him is like being alone anyway. Enough is enough is when you know, and can openly admit, that it simply will not work. You understand that you can’t change him or the situation. You’ve done your best—given it your all—now you’re done. Depleted. Empty. You throw the key to the apartment on the table and walk out.

Have you ever reached that point, where you wake up one morning realizing that you can’t do it—you just can’t stay . . . that enough is enough?


Sarah♥ said...

I stayed with a man for seven long abusive, loveless years. I was convinced that he might be able to love me one day. I put up with anything and everything he threw at me. I don't know if it was the verbal abuse or the mental and emotional that was worse. Anyway... In the end, HE LEFT ME! Yep... he left me because of my mental health problems, probably made worse by the fact that he was constantly telling me what a failure i was (they weren't caused by him i have to add, i was sick well before he came along).

I would have stayed with him forever...

Currently i am in a relationship, this time for 2 1/2 years. He's an alcoholic. He doesn't come and see me very often, although he would argue FOREVER that he's at my house 4/5 times a week - however in the last 11 days for example, he's been here TWICE! I'm getting to that point now where, okay, i don't particularly want to be on my own and he did help me massively in the beginning of our relationship to get me out of the house, i was practically house bound with agoraphobia when i got with him, so one side of me is thinking "How will i go out if i am not with him?" I don't have a car and public transport is a definitely no-no, but the other side of me is thinking, "Well.. I hardly see him, so what difference will it make?"...

I'm in a place of utter confusion....

Valentine said...

I am so sorry. I am JUST seeing this now, in May, 2012. Why didn't I get notified?

Anyway, read Master of the Realm. I wrote it during a full-blown agoraphobic relapse. You can get well, but that admission to yourself that you need to be on your own, coupled with actually leaving, is the first step. It's a monster step, but you'll get better much more quickly. I know this.

If you should come back to read this, please know I care. You can reach me on Facebook.