August 9, 2012


Yesterday, I wrote about how I suffered through my first heartbreak. Looking back on the experience, I can see things from a learning perspective. Back then, I was just a young girl, beginning my journey into life. I was new. Pure. Untouched. Unspoiled. But living life does something to one's persona. When you get cheated on, or betrayed or lied to, it takes away the happy--it takes away the innocense, and leaves hard-core cynics who live in mistrust and fear. Life has a way of working its lessons, doesn't it? One day we're wearing shit-eating grins, and the next day we're crying over some guy who didn't call.

But here's the thing: why do we let ourselves get hurt, over and over again? I know we're not stupid people. We have it going on, don't we? We're hip to it, clever, too old for the chomp, and yet, we still make the same freakin' mistakes; as if we're robots stuck on STUPID mode. But, why?

Why do we go with the wrong men? What is it about the badboy that attracts us?

Now, before you say that you're not attracted to the badboy, let me define what badboy means to me.  To me, a badboy is a guy who we can't stay away from. He's cute, funny, smart, you know, he has the whole package. The reason I call him a badboy isn't because he's out in the world committing crimes or riding a Harley with the Angels, wreaking havoc everywhere he goes. Nope. He's a badboy because there's something about him that hits an emotional trigger within us; a trigger that could bring us to our knees, if we let it. What's the trigger? It's our fathers.

Please don't say, eeeww, because I'm not talking about sex here. I'm talking about a trait that mimics something we equate with love and security--even in father-daughter relationships that weren't good. We somehow make an emotional link to the badboy if there's something about him that subconsciously reminds us of our fathers. So this guy is good to go, right? Wrong.

Wrong? Yes, wrong. Why? Because these traits are only mimics of the man who raised you. The badboy is just a guy who has his own values and beliefs. He's not your father; he's only a trigger. He's got his own agenda which may be good or not so good. He may look like dad, walk like dad, talk like dad, but he ain't dad. He's a badboy who reminds you of dad, and this, all by itself, keeps you attracted to him.
Now this guy may come off like the greatest catch, and because of it, you find yourself hopelessly in love---to the point where he can do no wrong, until he does something wrong. You find out he cheated. Can't be. He was perfect in every way. But the truth is, you wanted to believe he was perfect because he reminded you of dad. What now? How do you get past his betrayal? You want to believe he's innocent. You're even willing to give him another chance, if his story seems credible. But the story doesn't hold water. He tricked you. Eventually, he's gone.

What do you do now? If you don't understand what attracted you to this guy you'll end up going after another guy just like him. You'll find another daddy-badboy and repeat the process all over again. So how do you break the pattern of going after the badboy?
You have to sit down and examine the attraction. Examine his traits. Think them through. Then ask yourself this: am I equating this guy with my father? It'll be tough to answer because you may not want to admit it, but trust me, if you do this, you won't make the same mistake again.

Girls. I hate to say this, but it's horrible when big girls cry. Isn't it time to put an end to it?


randy colwell said...

Good stuff and from a guy's perspective it makes sense too. Keep up the good work, I'll keep reading

Valentine said...

Hi Randy, and thank you for reading this. I like hearing from guys. Makes it interesting.

mikki lines said...

"Kissed frogs,all my life still trying to find the prince"but life is a long Fairy Tail.we need a bad boy"to learn from our mistakes..And find"the inner beauty within..instead of whats on the outside..behond a cover"is the far greater page.."blessings valentine x

Valentine said...

Another good point. Yes, I agree. The badboy serves a lesson; the problem lies when we don't learn that lesson and repeat the process.


KJ Waters said...

I think there is a lot of truth to what you have in this blog. My sister and best friend went to counseling to undo their pattern of choosing the wrong guy.

However for me it is a different story. Thinking back on the guy who hurt me the worst I realize he was the least like my dad. I was 16 and I think I was trying out a true bad boy (think BMX high school drop out)and he lived up to all expectations of that stereotype, complete with throwing his bike at me and worse. Definitely learned from that horrible experience (and chose a college farther than a bike could go).

The prince I found is not exactly like my dad, but he has high morals, is smart, tough and has a strong sense of family like my dad. Plus he hates BMXs and those who are grown and ride 'em. Couldn't have picked a better man.

Loving your blog Valentine! Keep writing and I'll keep reading!

Valentine said...

I'm so glad you came and what you said is very interesting.

In life, our attraction to potential partners can go either way. If we choose someone who reminds us of dad, it could be for various reasons; even reasons of getting even with dad.

So it can go either way. One time dating a bad boy is fine, but this story was more geared toward women who make the same mistake over and over.

Love what you wrote. Thank you so much

Gale Minchew said...

Valentine my sweet...I do so enjoy this series. Yes, it seems we are prone to repeat the same mistakes over and over again...the whole history repeating itself issue. Whether it be the badboy, which I've had my share of, or friendships or employment...we must always strive to learn from every moment of our lives so we can stop wasting time and get down to the business of truly living & loving. Thank you once again for your poignant reflection.

Mike Phebus @indianajones said...

Great comments Valentine. Hang in there -- there are good guys out there, even if one or two of the good guys hits a trigger.

Valentine said...

Hi Gale, your input is always appreciated; especially being a therapist. And maybe the badboy is a metaphor for all things in life!

Valentine said...

Hi Mike,

You're sweet. This is just an article in a series I'm doing for my newly released book.

Thank you for taking time to read it. All men are welcomed!!

Mike said...

The badboy image is what most girls want because they think its cool then when they get screwed over it just makes them want it more then it happens again then its all they know and the good guys get overlooked when the good guy should b given a chance but they don't because the bad boy image is the "cool" thing to keep going after but this is my opinion I'm no way a love expert just keep chugging one day it will happen

Mike said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Valentine said...

Thank you Mike. I agree. There is an element that the badboy carries which if left unexamined, leads a girl to date another badboy down the road.

Gale Minchew said...

Good point Mike and Valentine. Only the girl can break that cycle...through self analysis or the help of a therapist, if necessary.

Valentine said...

Absolutely, Gale. If a person can't figure out what's going on then a therapist is indeed sound advice.