August 13, 2012

Da-Nile Is Not Just a River in Egypt

Okay. So, you've just discovered that the man in your life has been cheating on you. As the idea of it smothers your imagination with scenerios that leave you mortified---such as the two of them making love, staring into each other's eyes, whispering words of adoration and longing--you can't believe it. You just cannot accept that it could be true. Oh, the devastation. The betrayal.

Once the initial shock wears off, you're ready to rip him apart. You're ready to confront him. And with your finger into his nose, you'll say, "You dirty lowlife. I know what you did!"

And so the battle begins.

At first, he's going to deny it. You know he will. He's going to say you're crazy. But when he sees that you're not buying into that line of b.s., he's then going to say that it's a lie--that the person who told you is not only a liar, they're jealous of your relationship and is hoping to break it apart. When that fails, he's going to do one of two things:

1--he's going to say that he's going out and that you need time to cool down because you've obviously lost your mind.
2--he's going to come clean, because in truth, people who cheat want to get caught for a number of reasons.

So. Let's examine the reasons.

When people cheat it's not you they're cheating on. It feels like it's being done to you because you're the one suffering the consequences of the infidelity. But in truth, it's not you. It's them. They're seeking out other people because they feel empty and unfulfilled. When they couldn't get what they needed from you, they went to someone else thinking that they could get what they needed from them. It's never about you, contrary to what you believe. Why? As humans, we want attention and love, praise and adoration, and when we don't get it from one person, we subconsciously gear toward another hoping we'll get what we need from them. That's why friendships often break apart. We grow, and outgrow each other all the time, searching for others who will now fill our mental and emotional needs. It's natural in the scheme of life. But the cheating thing?

Another reason why people want to get caught is because they don't have the nerve to play the bad guy. Sometimes, a person wants out of a relationship and will give clues and signals, hoping that you'll catch-on and find out. This is because they're hoping that when you do find out, you'll break up with them, which now shifts the bad-guy blame from them to you. It's all a head game.

So now that you've found out that he's been unfaithful, what will you do? Will you forgive him? Drill him, nonstop? Monitor every move he makes hoping to catch him doing it again?

Let's talk about this. What would you do if you found out today that your partner was or has been unfaithful?


Kim H said...

well I have been there before. It was not pretty at first I questioned him nonchalantly . He denmied it and lied . Then I got evidence there was no talking. I kicked him out. The terrible hurt n pain was unbearable , but I tell you what. God can heal all hurts. I prayed for a way to leave for a job. I prayed for a way out kinda hard when your over an ocean. But there are stages in healing.

Valentine said...

Hi Kim, wow. Yes, I agree about the stages in healing. When someone betrays you, not only does your ego get crushed, your heart goes through a hurt that's almost indescribable. You give of yourself hoping and believing that the person loves and respects you.

Gale Minchew said...

Many, many years ago I walked in on a boyfriend in the heat of things with another girl. I was young then so I thought I must have done something wrong. After he tended to his business I asked what I did that was so wrong. His answer: "You didn't do anything wrong. It's me. I know I just lost the best thing I'm ever gonna have." And he was right, he lost me. It took me years to really understand what he meant though.

Valentine said...

Well, it's to your benefit that it happened and it was a lesson, I'm sure. People who cheat, especially young men, do it for ego reasons. Then they'll tell you that they don't blame you for leaving, when all along, that was their plan.

Most times, the woman hasn't done anything to deserve the betrayal.

Holly said...

When this happens to someone, it would be natural to feel as though they were the one inadvertently causing such a reaction. Luckily, we all learn lessons in life. While forgiveness is always an option, some may choose betterment for self. Love you books, Valentine!

Valentine said...

Hiya, Holly, and thank you for your imput. Very wise indeed. I think when someone cheats, forgiveness is the most difficult to achieve. Ego is bruised beyond belief and self inflection is a good way to try to forgive.

Anonymous said...

It hurts. Plain and simple. Wether you're feeling the cause was you, or something you didn't do right, regardless, the pain is the only concrete feeling you're left with. The rest are unanswered (many times) questions. You can self reflect all you want on what you could have done differently, but the facts remains the same. You were bretrayed. Your heart is broken.
You cannot change the events that have taken place. Period. All you can do is pick up the pieces, mend your heart and move on. If that for you means to forgive and continue with them, then good luck. It's one of the hardest things to do (i just came out of a 10 yr relationship where there was multiple cheating over the yrs). In order for me to continue with him, i had to pretend it never happened, because if i didn't, it consumed my mind on a daily basis. I would constantly bring it up whenever we were having a bad day, which led to fighting and ultimately him cheating again. It's not my fault. I know this. We have no control over peoples choices or actions, we can only control our own.
I've learned that i am worth it. As are you. We are worth not having to deal with that worry constantly in the back of our minds. There are people (men/woman) who do not cheat. I am one of those. So have faith. You do not need to settle for someone who is not willing to give you the same respect as you willingly give.
None the less... The pain. That's the worst part, once you can begin to see through it and it SLOWLY subsides, the rest will fall into place. You can and will be ok.

Valentine said...

Thank you for sharing that. I can feel your heart break.

This article isn't about me. It's a series I'm doing to promote my novel, NOTE TO SELF.

One thing I like to say is that for me, I'd have to get out of the relationship. Like you said, it's always on your mind. You can pretend to forget it, but it never leaves. There's always that tinge of doubt which when suppressed, leads to other things.

I wish you the best for a happy fulfilled life.