August 14, 2012

You Knew He Was Wrong For You But You Went Anyway

*disclaimer* This is not an article offering relationship advice.

So this is really big. And before I get into this, I'd like to point out that I've done this myself. What am I talking about? Going with a guy for the wrong reason. Now don't say you've never done this. I think most men and women at some point in their lives have done this.

Let's say you meet a guy and after knowing him for a while, know the two of you aren't compatible. You know there are things about this person that rub you the wrong way. You know his career is an issue for you. You know his tastes in music, food, and clothing are not in alignment with yours. You know his friends are going to be a thorn in your side. You know he kisses like a wet lizard. The sex sucks. You know he doesn't want kids and is a confirmed batchelor. BUT YOU WENT WITH HIM ANYWAY, telling yourself that you'll deal with these issues when the time comes. You can change him . . . right?

Let's say you're dating this dreamboat of a guy for three months and nothing's changed. Inwardly, you hate the way he dresses. You hate his friends. You hate that he drinks. He eats like a starved pig. You hate that he's never on time. He said three times during your relentless interrogation that he hates kids. Yet, you're still with him. What are you telling yourself that keeps you there? What's the reason for staying in this incompatible relationship? Are you lonely? Are you approaching that age where your biological clock is ticking away and you find yourself desperate to marry . .  anyone--even if this 'anyone' is the wrong one? Are you disillusioning yourself into thinking that you can get him to marry you, and that once he does, he'll change his mind about having kids?

BUT what if he doesn't change his mind? Even if you get him to the alter, what if all your efforts to get pregnant go down the drain, leaving the two of you in a dark place--a place where he's turned off and you're filled with resentment? In fairness to him, you knew the rules before you got into the game, didn't you? So, why did you get involved in the first place? Is it better to be with anyone, even if they're incompatible, as long as you're not by yourself? Is it gratifying to be with a person who doesn't do it for you just to say you have a relationship? Are we so afraid of ending up alone that our only requirements for dating a guy are the three Ps--penis, pulse, and paycheck? 

Okay. You get the point. Let's move on to other possible reasons why you went with this person? If it wasn't loneliness, and it wasn't because your biological clock was ticking, then could it have been your ego? Was this person gorgeous, rich, and unobtainable? Did you feel that you had to have him because you needed to prove that you could get him, despite the fact that he was a womanizer? Did this guy have a reputation for being a player? Did you want to prove to yourself, and to everyone else, that you were the one who was going to break him? Ah, the things we tell ourselves.

Here's a good one. Did you go with someone because they had money, despite the fact that you were not attracted to him? At all? I think it's fair to say that there are numerous reasons for going with someone, even when you know deep down that they're the wrong someone. When it's all said and done, who's the one who gets hurt? Who's the one that's filled with resentment and anger?

Our own voices can be our worst enemies; especially when they echo, IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT.


KJ Waters said...

Wow, so who hasn't done this? I know I'm guilty! The worst is when you are really compatible but a big issue, like being on another continent, keeps you from being able to stay together. Heartbreaking!

I've dated people a few times that were very "it." But if there wasn't that Je ne sais quois it never lasted too long for me. Now back to that bad boy convo. Definitely stayed too long in that 'bad' relationship even though I knew he was all wrong. Lesson learned! Love your blog!

Valentine said...

Hey K, thank you. So many people stay in the bad relationship despite the hurt and anguish they feel. It's sad to think that they can be with someone more suitable but don't know it.

I guess all these little articles are in alignment with the badboy :)

mikki lines said...

..umm"we are all grown up into thinkin we are all going to have that fairy tail happy ever after..when were just kissin frogs..that leave mould,there Ego, learnin there little faults habits..but we aint princesses..
And thoses little quirky things..we learn to love.. What is a pretty boy? We see through their eyes..a face is a blur..its what is deep within ..we make mistakes to find a prince,but is they such a thing?

Randy from hotlanta said...

Once again I'm a guy but I agree, you have to look after yourself first male or female. We can't expect to change someone or work miracles, and really while the three p's made me smile it's reality. Women dog guys just as much, trust me. Thanks Val :)